Wrapping Up 2010

Christmas has come and gone. It was a very different holiday for us this year. We opened our gift here as a family on Wednesday night. No excitement of Christmas morning gathered around the tree in PJ's. Just Ryan on camera duty, Avery sitting on the couch surrounded by her gifts and me trying to open boxes as fast as she tossed them to me. It was still good, just lacking some of that Christmas magic.
There were a couple other things that were different this year. First, it was only 1 child opening gifts. We clearly had 3 little people who celebrated the last two years with us missing. I missed the chaos and excitement. Missing them made the holidays a little bit harder for me, and I know we all felt it. The other thing that was different was that we had to travel. We took off Thursday night and went to my grandparents, so we could be to Ohio in time to celebrate with Ryan's mom and Nanny on Christmas Eve. We had a busy time in Ohio and after spending Christmas at my grandparent's and then my moms we headed home, just in time to crawl into bed.
Thankfully we were able to spend some time admist the chaos to reflect on the true meaning of the holiday. It was fun to share that with Avery this year especially, since it is her 1st year as a believer.

Moving on from Christmas, we are still waiting to sign off on our homestudy. We expected it before Christmas, but she said the holiday got the better of her and we should get it this week. Well, technically she said yesterday and that didn't happen, so I am trying to give her some grace before I pull out the Kung Fu Panda moves. If it comes this week, there is a real possibility we could have a child (or more) in our home any day after. Kinda makes it all surreal and difficult to plan.

Speaking of plans. We are in serious need of a vacation. There was talk of travelling in January to go to Disney, but it looks like we are going to wait until later this year. I was kidding myself to think I could plan that in a few weeks. I might have done it, but not to my organizational standards. Still we need a break now, so we are making plans for a mini-vacation. I am looking into a few options, but I think we are going to Brown County and will stay in their state lodge, since they have an indoor waterpark, and plenty of shopping in the area for me. In the spring Avery and I might head to Connecticut and leave Ryan here to fend for himself. I think my New Year's Resolution to travel more will easily be fulfilled, even if it won't be trekking across Europe or going back to Khabarovsk... yet.

I hope the New Year is full of God's blessings for each of you. I for one am looking to this year with hopeful eyes.

Christmas, Christmas Time is Here

Time for chaos, and stress, and tears.

Wait at second, that's not how this is supposed to go. But it seems like that is the tone in my home these past few days. I guess I should have expected a little more confusion this year, after all, it is our first year living out of state and travelling during the holiday.
Overall we are coping well. Tomorrow we'll make our way to Ohio. Hopefully staying ahead of the snow storm that's expected. Today I will pack our bags, pack the car, and prepare to do some baking tomorrow. I plan to spend a low key day tomorrow enjoying Avery and focusing on the REAL reason for the holiday.

On another note, I heard from the social worker who is doing our homestudy. She needed one last form that I faxed her yesterday. I'm not sure why it wasn't in the other paperwork she had, since I had completed it and turned it all in already, but that doesn't matter. It was an easy fix and now she can email our homestudy for review. I'm checking my email a million times a day.

This past weekend I went to our local foster/adopt support group and the baby fever kicked into high gear. I ran into a girl I met over the summer and she had her newest foster baby with her. He was only 7 weeks old and I got to hold him for awhile. Ooooohhhh he was precious! I need one of those!

The Final Step

We have completed the last step towards getting our foster care license in Indiana. Today we had a home visit from the social worker who was contracted to do our homestudy. I have to say that this being our 4th homestudy, it was by far the easiest ever. We had to do a lot of preliminary paperwork and that laid the groundwork and answered nearly all of the standard questions we endure.

I was really glad to have it go so easily. The social worker will now type the report and let us review it before she turns it over for state approval. Once it has that stamp of approval we'll be entered into the placement pool and we can get calls. It probably won't be too long now. A few more weeks I think.

More for National Adoption Awareness Month

We Pray for Children

We pray for children who put chocolate fingers everywhere,
who like to be tickled, who stomp in puddles and ruin their new pants,
who sneak popsicles before supper, who erase holds in math workbooks,
who never can find their shoes....

And we pray for those who stare at photographers from behind barbed wire,
who can't bounce down the street in a new pair of sneakers, who never "counted potatoes,"
who are born in places we wouldn't be caught dead, who never go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.

We pray for children who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who sleep with the dog and bury goldfish,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money,
who cover themselves with Band-Aids and sing off key,
who squeeze toothpaste all over the sink, who slurp their soup....

And we pray for those who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who watch their parents watch them die, who can't find any bread to steal,
who don't have any rooms to clean up, who pictures are not on anyone's dresser,
whose monsters are real...

We pray for children who spend all their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories, who shove dirty clothes under the bed and never rinse out the tub,
who love visits from the tooth fairy, who don't like to be kissed in front of the school bus,
who squirm in church or temple and scream in the phone....

And we pray for those whose nightmares come in the daytime,
who will eat anything, who have never seen a dentist, who aren't spoiled by anybody,
who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,who live and move, but have no being.
We pray for children who want to be carried, for those who must,
for those we never give up on, for those who don't have a second chance,
for those we smother ....and those who will grab the hand of anyone kind enough to offer it.

Ina J Hughes © 1985 & 1995
Copyright © Ina J. Hughes, All Rights Reserved

It's a GLOBAL Orphan Crisis

I've been trying to write this post for a couple weeks now. Each time I sit down, I fail to find adequate words to express my feelings. As a parent who has adopted internationally and fostered here in the US, I have seen with my own eyes a small piece of reality. There is an overwhelming number of children who are living in deplorable conditions, are unsure when they will see their next meal, and might not remember when the last one was either. They don't receive adequate medical care, or have clean water to drink. There isn't running water to bathe in, cook with, or brush their teeth. The clothes on their backs are all they have.

This problem does not only exist elsewhere, it is happening in our own backyards. It is a GLOBAL crisis. As Americans we hail ourselves a great nation, the land of opportunity, but we have forgotten about compassion and community. We turn a blind eye to the squalor and poverty that exists HERE. You see I have seen first hand families scrambling to keep a roof over their heads, living in conditions you and I couldn't dream of. I've seen these families ripped apart when their efforts fail. There are families living in tents, under bridges, shelters, and cars. We all know it exists, but WHY, why aren't we doing more?

The Bible says, "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:18 and that "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

So what are we doing to look after the orphans? What can you do to help, you ask. Well, the answer is simple - DO SOMETHING! We aren't all called to adopt or foster. The mission field for each of us is as different as we are. I can't answer what doing means for you, but to me the answer is clear, do something!

About Adopting Again

Since I created a seperate blog to chronicle our foster care journey, I have been neglecting to update that process here.
This is where we are at - a little over 2 years ago we made the decision to grow our family through foster/adoption. Now that we have moved to a new state, we had to start the licensing process all over again. We have completed the required training classes and are getting our physicals and CPR class completed next week. The only remaining requirement will be our homestudy that can't be started until we turn in those physical forms.
We most definately want to add to our family, but we've chosen to do things a little differently here, in that we didn't opt for the adoption license. In Indiana you can adopt a foster child that has been living in your home without that license. We feel that having Avery and her "issues" it is better to have a child live with us before we make the commitment to adopt, so we can ensure a successful match. Now if things don't progress over the next couple years we may consider a waiting child, but we aren't there yet. So for now, we wait, we pray and we hope that God will bless our family. Now this doesn't mean we pray that a child is abused and the parents don't do what is needed to reunify. Not at all, we pray that God brings us a child that He knows will need a forever family. And for the children who won't, that we can positively impact their lives while they are here.
The other thing is that has changed is our goal for fostering. Initially we wanted to do this short term as a means to grow our family. Now our plan to foster is indefinate. I can't see a time when we won't be doing this. It may come, but that isn't in our forseeable future.
Now for the details of what we feel we can handle, since this has changed too. We have sayed we would take up to 2 children. Ages 0-4, but possibly up to 6 in special circumstances. we don't have a preference for gender. We are open to more "issues" and disabilities than the county typically places in county homes. And then there is race... most of you know in our previous area it was less than culturally accepting, but we feel Indianapolis is much more diverse and we've chosen not to make restrictions in that area as well. I for one am excited to just be open to any possibilities. This is going to make things more interesting around here. I will probably be learning how to do some pretty hair that isn't fine and poker straight. And we will have to be even more intentional in our choices, so that we blend those cultural differences. So in a nutshell. We might have 1 placement, we might have 2. Red, yellow, black, white - who knows. Girls, boys doesn't matter (ok, Avery wants a sister ;)) What ever comes, we're ready!

Not My Finest Hour

I find myself back in a stage that brings out the ugly in me. It's a place called waiting. This 4 letter world called wait is probably the hardest thing for me. Contrary to popular belief I am not a very patient person. I don't handle waiting with grace. Far from it actually.
We have completed our classes, I turned in all of our paperwork, and our medical evalations are scheduled for next week along with our CPR class. So here I sit, with idle hands that are desperately trying to find something to keep my mind off of that terrible state of being, the waiting. I guess I could shop for baby gates, but that is the last purchase that I may need. And it isn't much for occupying my brain.

The thing that is occupying my time is something that as of late I have equal concern regarding my ability to handle it with grace. That would be homeschooling. Avery is a perfectionist (I have no idea where she acquired this :0) and she is starting to get into some harder concepts, the downfall of this is that now, she HATES school work. She absolutely shuts down and refuses to try for fear of potential "failure". Over the past 2 weeks I have found that I wake up each day with dread. I know that the homeschool setting is what Avery needs right now, but I also think that my frustration and lack of ideas for beaking down this wall she has are doing a disservice to her. The last thing I want is for her to hate learning. I want to foster her creativity and instill a love for knowledge. Right now I feel like I am squashing her spirit and I need to reevaluate my method.

Homeschooling, Happenings, and Hope

I feel like my days are a whirlwind since school has started. We got off to a great start. I felt so organized and sure of myself this year. Avery was tackling her work like a champ. She just grasps things so quickly and effortlessly that teaching her seems like I am not doing anything. That is until we had to count by 2's. I don't know what it is - counting by 10's no problem, 5's a little more effort, but still got it day 1. These 2's, well it has become a stress for me. So much so that today I decided to put away the books and try something new. and wouldn't you know it, as soon as she was counting money that she could keep if counted correctly, she's got it! I feel like this was as much of a lesson for me as is was for her.
How many times as parents do we keep trying to get our children to do things our way at our pace, rather than us being the ones to take a step back and make the change in ourselves that will help our children succeed. Yes, I needed that lesson!

Aside from school and all that brings to our schedule we are trying to enjoy the fall and all the festivites that has to offer. Did I mention how much I love our new town? 'Cuz I do! We just have so much to keep us busy. Avery and I spent a beautiful day at the zoo getting some real one on one attention while we learned about the sharks and the mules. And had a nice time on our own following up to our Bible lessons where we are seeing the beauty of God's creatures and how their traits can be reflected in our lives. We've also had some fun field trips with our homeschool co-op. I am so thankful to have found a group that fits us to a T.

As for the hope... well we are back in the foster groove. No, we aren't licensed yet, but we are rolling along. We've completed 2 of the 3 classes that we have to do. We are working to schedule our CPR training and our medical evaluations will be done the first week of November. After that we will have our homestudy completed and then see who God brings into our home. This time around we are taking a very different approach. Rather than expecting to adopt, we are going into this with the intent to foster and if God brings us a child that fits our family and needs a permanent home, then that is great. If not, well then god has a different plan for us and that is fine too. I needed to let go of the reigns and trust that God's will is bigger and better than my own. We hope to have our license by Christmas, but we know that isn't in our hands either. be praying that things go smoothly and we can get done all the things that are our responsibility without setbacks.

I have set up a blog to follow our foster journey. If any of you are interested in that, let me know and I will get you the link. I am trying to keep it seperate and more discreet to protect ourselves and kids we may have in care.

Gotcha Day

Sept. 27, 2005 we bacame a family of 3.

I really find it hard to believe that it's been 5 years. We went to a fall festival to celebrate. Tomorrow I am taking Avery to the local Russian restaurant for lunch and we'll stop at the deli next door for some yummy treats to being home.

This year more than in the past I have noticed a significant shift in behavior. Avery always has her fall meltdown, but today... I just can't begin to describe the pain I saw coming from my girl. It broke my heart, but I think she really let go of some of the pain and anger she's been carrying. I know we have a long way to go, but she is beginning to open up and let me take on some of the burden.

I am so blessed! Today at church Pastor Doug was talking about how God gives. Well, He sure gave to me in a beautiful way. It wasn't what I first asked for, but it was exactly what I needed. Avery is a treasure!

I Love Fall

The smell of leaves, the crunch under your feet, the yummy food and fun things to do. It just doesn't get much better. I wasn't always so gung ho for fall, but being a mom and getting to really enjoy it from a child's perspective just brings out all the best it has to offer. Not just the hayfever and colder temps.

I am looking forward to making some new discoveries here in Indiana. We need to find an orchard and pumpkin patch. And some other fun places to visit this fall. I am really excited, but also hoping that our foster parent training doesn't throw a wrench in our plans. We are going to Saturday training, so we can; 1) finish in 4 weeks 2) Ryan won't miss work and 3)easier access to sitters. We'll find out tomorrow when our classes will start.

In less than 2 weeks we will celebrate our Family Day. Avery joined us permanantly on September 27th, 2005. I still have no clue how we will celebrate, but I am working on a few options. I'll let you know what we decide.

Big Girl Changes

Ready or not, (ok, ok I am NOT) this is happening!

Today was our first day of 1st grade. Avery did really well. She knew all of her sight words that we were reviewing. She happily did 90% of her work and only needed some mild encouragement for the rest - she hates writing neatly and that is part of the lesson she was working on. Oh well.

So to celebrate her first day I took her to get a much needed haircut. We kinda let it run wild over the summer. She started out nervous and only wanting a trim, but I asked again and she said "nah, just make it short", so now she has a cute little bob. I have always like her hair like this, but it makes her look so grown up. I am really noticing that she's finding her style - Ryan saw this yesterday at the mall when he tried to talk her into some hideous baby-ish looking outfit. I had to agree she was way too stylish for that hot mess.
After nails she got her first manicure. She picked a sparkly pink polish that was very sweet.

I was thinking the day was going great. It really was. We went and got groceries and she was so attentive and polite. A real fun time. And I was handling the "grown up" girl idea pretty well.

We came home and I noticed her permanent tooth was peeking in behind the baby tooth that's been hanging for a few weeks now. Well, that was it. Time to suck it up and say goodbye to the baby tooth. I pulled it! She did great! No tears, no panic, just a big girl that was ready to loose that tooth.
I haven't cried, but it is really hard to look at my baby and see baby anymore. She is such an amazing kid. I just love her to pieces, snaggly gap and all.

I'll post pictures soon.

The New and The Old

Well first, I'll start by saying... AMEN! We are finally seeing some improvements with sleep. In no way are we at our destination, but the ride is not quite as bumpy. Avery is going to her room and falling asleep there every night. We bumped her bedtime back to the school year time and I think this helps, in addition to her knowing we will not back down for anything. She still wakes p a few times a night and she still ends up in our room, but it is progress. I am still hopeful that I won't be along for the honeymoon.
We went back to Ohio for a few days last week and for the first time it didn't feel like home. In fact I was itching to get back to Indiana. Now don't get me wrong I love Cincinnati and so many things there, but Indianapolis has somuch to offer that I find myself getting bored when I am doing what someone else defines as "fun".
We came home this week and took advantage of some lazy days. On Tuesday we'll start our school year and it's going to be a busy one. Our first field trip is Thursday. And co-op starts the following week --- pray for that, I never know how Avery will do seperating from me.
Soon we'll be starting our foster care classes here in Indy. I am excited about seeing how we can be used to reach the kids that will be placed with us. In the same token it makes me think of how our family could potentially grow and I am nervous. It's hard to have no control or insigt into your future and just have to wait on God to bring it on. Guess there really isn't a choice in the matter, so I'll wait and pray.
We got to see H, H, and J over the weekend and they are just doing so great! I adore their new family and just know they are in the right place. Can't tell you how much of a relief that is.

The newest thing we have going is that we are car shopping. Our van is just too much. It was a necessity when we had 4 carseats, but now we don't need all that and it's pricey, so I am downsizing. Hopefully I'll find something soon. And knowing me downsizing won't be all that much smaller. ;)
Avery's loose tooth is still hanging on, but it is SUPER close andshe has another loose one on top.

And PS, before you move into a new home, do your homework. We had no idea there was a race track a couple miles away and boy is it loud. Can't wait until our lease is up!!!

Sleep, Sleep, WHY won't She Sleep???

Five years when we were in Russia we were told Avery was a great sleeper. Maybe she was, but I certainly haven't seen that beautiful picture of rest and peace. Nope, not my girl.
From night 1 she was petrified. She literally clung to my chest like a spider monkey. God forbid I move or she woke up. When she'd wake up she'd grapple at my head like she was escaping a fire. I used to say that if she wanted to get any closer to me she'd have to crawl inside my skin.
We recognized the fear (how could you not) and did all we could to try to foster good sleep habits and provide the closeness she needed.
Once we were home we started out putting her in her crib with me sleeping with my arm inside holding her hand. I gradually tried moving out, but it increased her fear and we ended up co-sleeping. Something I NEVER wanted to do. Hello, Ryan is a big guy and she was tiny. We did the co-sleeping thing for a long, long time. She was about 2 1/2 when we decided to reclaim our bed. We did a modified Ferber method and within a couple nights she was successfully staying in her room. Then came the high stress inability to go to sleep a few months later. Melatonin became our friend and she again slept well. It was great! She woke a few times a night but went right back to bed as usual.
Then I went to Guatemala. I never thought in a million years that my enabler husband would have caved as quickly as he did. He abandoned our room and slept with DD in the guest bed. Thinking that she'd go back to the regular routine when I came home. Oooohhhh Nooooo! They continued this for about a year or more. So you'd think I got to sleep through the night at least... nope! Ryan sleeps like a LOG. So when Avery woke to potty or have a bad dream I was the one to take her, calm her and TRY to get her back to sleep.
Finally we set up a mattress on the floor of our room. Ryan and I got to share a room again. Avery was close enough to reach up of she needed contact and yes, I still was getting up with her at least once a night.
Our foster kids came and we played musical beds and did all we could to keep Avery quiet and appeased. I began to doubt my ability in getting a child to sleep through the night, because the girls slept great from day 1 and the baby.... well he seemed to channel Avery's sleep pattern and I played a game of walking on egg shells trying to keep one from waking the other. The kids left and I still had a nearly 6 year old who still couldn't sleep through the night.
Ryan was already in Indy, so I took advantage of it and got Avery in a great routine. She was calm and in bed on time, asleep in minutes and sleeping through the night (or getting up on her own and going back to bed). It was the best sleep I had in YEARS! It lasted all of 10 days.
We got to Indy and things are worse than EVER. It is blood curdling screams, sleeping on our floor, falling asleep in the living room floor because she can't bear to be in her room. Waking at the slightest noise. I understand new spaces, but we have been here for more than 3 months now. She is comfortable in her surroundings. We've tried night lights, sound machines, dream spray, sleeping with mommy's special things... and the list goes on.
This is exhausting. I have not slept through the night more than a handful of times in FIVE YEARS. I know this is an area she needs my patience and understanding, but I am ready to scream! I need sleep! I need to have a moment to myself after a long day of dealing with outburts and meltdowns. I need a miracle here! My daughter is scared and wounded. I am frustrated and tired. There are no tools left in my arsenal and I am ready to throw in the towel and accept that I'll have to accompany my daughter on her honeymoon because she can't sleep without me.

The Weekend in Pictures

We took a little time this weekend to explore downtown. I absolutely love downtown!

Organic Living

We have always tried to be aware of what we were eating and go for the more whole food/organic options. It seems though when we had our foster kids that our on the go way of life inched out some of that to a "easy food" mentality that doesn't serve us well.
In my efforts to regain control of our health I have committed to junking the junk! Today will be my first grocery day where I will not be buying anything non-organic, no coloring, no added sugar and so on. It will be an adjustment for some of us (hm, hm Ryan!) but it is long overdue.
I hope that we will start seeing some improvements and this will be an easy way of life for us, rather than a chore.
I've started baking bread and doing more things from scratch and my formerly domestic-fobic personality is fading away. Maybe it is being surrounded by cornfields and the country life, but I find myself embracing things that are totally foreign to my city girl heart.

In other news Avery completed another session of swim lessons. With fall approaching we are deciding what the next endeavor will be. It seems we may keep up with swimming and maybe work toward team for next year. In addition to that she is deciding between Karate and Figure Skating. Maybe we'll do both and she what she loves, but she'll have to do 1 at a time, or this mommy will turn into a Taxi.

Our Family Day (aka. adoption anniversary) is coming up next month. It seems unreal that Avery will have been our daughter for only 5 years. I find that I rarely think of the first year we missed. We are trying to decide how we want to celebrate this special occasion. I think we have decided to get her first AG doll and take her to the cafe in Chicago for dinner. We are tossing around a few other ideas, since I kinda wanted to save the doll for Christmas. The other options seem like a let down to me, but she wouldn't know the difference. And they really are things she loves and rarely gets to indulge in.

Gotta go, someone is begging me to help her make a calendar. Mommy's work is never done.

School Days are Coming!

I am so excited today. Our curriculum for this year arrived and I got to look over all of our stuff. Now if you remember how trepidacious I was last year about homeschooling, my excitement might come as a shock. It did for me. Honestly in the spring I had reservations about homeschooling again, but after weighing our options it really is the best fit for us this year. We'll take each year as they come. I think I now have a good grasp on Avery's learning style and my expectations. We are going to have lots of fun this go 'round.
Now when everything arrived I wasn't sure I ordered the right level. It looks like 2nd grade may have been a better fit, but that just means less pressure. I don't want her getting too far ahead, should we put her in a classical school setting at some point. And I still have reservations about her reading ability (disability?) that I want to monitor closely. So school is just a month away and I will be ready this time!

Swim lessons are going so well. She has a new instructor this time and he says she is progressing well. I think she might get her back-stroke down this session. We have 3 classes left.
After swim lessons we'll pick up something new for the fall - maybe gymnastics again, or ballet, I am not sure what she'll decide on.

I am excited for the fall and all it will bring. Although I love summer, I look forward to the leaves changing, hayride, pumpkins, and being outdoors even more.

Living on the Edge

In general life with Avery is "interesting" as we like to put it. She has her challenges, but when I think of where we came from I no longer want to cower in a corner and cry. The strides she has made over the last couple years make the day to day very manageable and most of the time pleasant.
As of late, things are more hanging by a thread. We teeter on the edge of a cliff we call "Meltdown City". You see, all the changes are overloading her system and I find myself walking on eggshells and trying to stay a step ahead of her to forge off the offending stimuli. It can be anything from not riding "her" horse on the carousel, to my shutting the door when I am in the shower - which is seen as me abondoning her. Yes it looks like Chinese water torture when I grab my six year old off of a horse and plop onto the ground to get eye contact and regain control, but I am doing what she needs. She needs to feel safe, take a breath and regroup, BEFORE she can understand that "the" horse she loves was not stolen from her... the little girl who also loves the horse with the flower didn't KNOW she wanted to ride it too. Luckily it takes less and less time to regain control in these situations that would have taken HOURS. Yesterday's incident only took 2 minutes. Hey, that is progress!
Our move and the seperation from our friends and family is hard for all of us, but I don't think I had adequately prepared myself to step back into such a proactive role of constant reassurance. As we get closer to the start of the school year, with more responsibility and a new co-op with new people to get accustomed to I am trying to set realistic expectations for both myself and Avery. Not to mention to verbally prepare her for even more changes.
I have to say, that I am so grateful for the amazing spirit that Avery has. She is a light. She is joy and excitement, love and laughter. Those are the things that get me through the rough moments. I know that on the other end, we will see that bright smile and hear her "I love you, your the best".

Lately I have been settling into life here in Indianapolis. Things are pretty good, although I am not doing so great at getting to meet people. It'll be better once we start school and find a church (we're still "shopping").
I've found myself wondering over the last weeks if maybe we are meant to be a family of three indefinately. I have always thought it would be unbearable, but then I had been thinking we are finding a real nice groove. Of course thinking of all Avery might miss out on as an only gives me guilt. And not being an only I feel very ill-equipped to meet those specific needs. I sometimes get annoyed when she wants to play ALL day. She is getting better at entertaining herself again. Guess having the kids around made her a little rusty.
So like I said, I was really starting to embrace this new found content vibe. That is, until yesterday. I was online and saw a posting for a 7 mo. old available for adoption. It was like the flood gates broke and all those aches for a baby came flooding in. I did ok and keeping it together. I even talked to Ryan a little about the baby and whether we could get a homestudy done and see about this. I know it isn't possible right now, but I really wish it was. So I went to bed and couldn't sleep and my thoughts started wandering. I just lost it - I literally cried myself to sleep. It was pathetic. I was thinking about the kids and missing J, since we haven't seen him. And then thinking about how much I would love to be the right fit for this other little boy, and wondering if we will EVER be lucky enough to have another child.
Anyway, what will be will be and I know that God has it all worked out perfectly. I just need to get back to being content in the moment. So can somebody tell me how to put back the worms once you open the can?

From Frump to Fab-u-lous

Or at least non-frump. Not sure I'll ever qualify as fabulous.

I've been feeling pretty ick about my hair and had been wanting some bold color for a LONG time. Last week I put my foot down and made an appointment. I figured since I don't know the area I'd give the local beauty school a try, after all they have a nice salon close by. I went in this morning well prepared. I knew what I wanted (which morphed over the course of the day), had snacks, music, and heaps of coloring books and reading books for Avery and anticipated a long day. I did NOT expect 5 HOURS in a chair while my daughter entertained the staff and students. She sang, did hair (on a dummy) and colored her heart out - I was so proud! She didn't complain one time.

So I walked in looking something like this...

and came out like this...

I like it. It's different. Definately less boring.

Looth Tooth

Since my niece who is just a few months older than Avery lost her first tooth a few months ago I have been diligently checking Avery's teeth for wiggles. There have been absolutely no signs of this milestone approaching, that is until today.
We had a detailed conversation about the tooth fairy and how she comes. I brought it up because someone avoided brushing her teeth this morning. I explained how the tooth fairy determines the tooth's value by the cleanliness of the tooth. No brushing = scuzzy teeth that the tooth fairy won't pay as much for. It worked all right, she begged me to turn around so she could scrub her teeth. And as soon as we did get home she was in her bathroom for quite sometime. Yes, I lied to my daughter, but hey, I should get points for creativity.
After she came downstairs I checked out her brushing job and did my obligatory wiggle. Eeeek!!!! The 2 bottom teeth wiggled! One more than the other, but it was noticeable. I imagine it won't be too long before the tiny tooth toting fairy visits our house.
I'll be honest, I cried! This is such a big milestone. It is the first real sign, aside from going to school, that means my girl is growing up. She is SO excited! And I am excited for her, I guess...

Ghetto Beach

I am a summer girl. I love the ocean, sand between my toes, sun in my face and the sound of waves crashing. So when we found out we were moving to Indiana, instead of a coastal city (like I was praying for), I was more than mildly bummed out.
Imagine how excited I was when Ryan told me there was a beach close to us. Now, it wasn't the ocean, but there was a beach and I was ready to make the most of it. This weekend I woke up and was ready to search out and find this treasure. We hopped in the car for the less than 15 minute drive. Pulling up to the park we saw the expansive water and I just knew it was going to be wonderful... still not the ocean, but water and sand and sun.
As we pulled into the parking lot I knew this was not at all what I had been hoping for. We payed our entrance fee and walked through the building out to the grass?... really, grass??? "Where's the sand? Where's the beach? These were the words my equally beach loving daughter whined repeadedly. My head echoed her sentement.
We found a spot to put our chairs in the grass - ok, it was barely grass, it was dead and sparse and twiggy. Then looked for a way to make our way to the water, because again, there was NO BEACH!!! There were 2 sets of concrete stairs that lead you down to the water. At the edge was a concrete retaining wall and between the wall and the water was their "beach" a 2 foot span of gravelish type sand. It was awful! And there were sticks everywhere.
Of course Avery, being 6, was not deterred, so I sucked it up and put on my best excited momma face and got in the water.
When we arrived there weren't many people there, but as the day went on, OH MY! The people... toothless, beer bellies, biker babes (I use that term LOOSELY) in their tacky sports bra looking bikinis, and tatooed pregnant teens with stretched ear holes and rainbow hair. Some of which is not so terrible in small doses, but this was the "norm" for Ghetto Beach.
I am thinking we won't be going back. There is however a REAL beach about 2 hours away and we will be going in a few weeks. I can't wait. And I will even attempt another small beach about 40 minutes away, because it is supposed to be bigger... we'll have to see about that one.
Ghetto Beach has scarred me for life!

The New Domestic Me

For those of you who know me well, it will come as no surprise that I am lacking in domestic ability. I can't cook well, sew much more than a button, and anything else well, I probably would need a visual description to even know what it was.
The thing is, I want to be more domestic. I envy those who can whip up a fabulous meal that people actually recognize. I have projects that I would love to be able to make myself. Since moving here I have been trying my hand at some of these things. I am baking my own bread. It actually turned out well, not great, but edible. I have been cooking nearly every meal and doing something I have NEVER done before... trying new things. And amazingly everyone eats it, and likes it MOST of the time. I am really liking this new found domestic "ability".
Today we went to a farm and picked our own blueberries. When we got home I decided to make muffins. Then for dinner I made turkey burgers. I had watched a show about gourmet burgers and was inspired, so I pulled out some ingredients and improvised. Who knew I could do that, certainly not me. It was fun and I felt a new sense of pride in an area where I typically feel like a slacker.
Maybe it is the sea of cornfields that surround me or the farm air of Indiana. So look out I am morphing into a domestic diva.

Summer Fun

This week we had some really nice weather. It's a good thing, since next week looks like one big fat storm. Blech! These pictures are from our adventures to the zoo, children's museum, and the park. And yes, that splash park is at the zoo... woohoo! I snuck Aver's suit in my purse and she had no clue she was going to get to do that. I was SuperMom of the day, that is for about 5 minutes.

Life Goes On

This weekend was party central, but now it is time to get back to life as usual. Not too exciting in good old Indiana, but I am doing my best to stay busy, make friends and reclaim my life.

I have decided to merge my 2 blogs into 1, so you will get the occasional update about how my life transformation is going. I have hired a trainer and joined the gym, so I am on my way. I decided to start with small goals. I think I have been successful this time is cutting out pop - at least at home. And my evening snacking is becoming more a thing of the past. They say after 3 weeks it is habit, so I am getting there. Today my shoulders are so sore from the workout I had yesterday, that I am not sure I can wash my own hair, but hey I'll have great arms one day.

Avery started swim lessons last week and she is totally loving it. They said she is doing well, but might need another session before she can swim above water. She has the skills, but needs more strength, because she is too tiny to stay up. She did actually float for about 5 seconds on Monday. We go again tonight, so we'll see if she improves her time.

Today is rainy and gross, so I think we are going to do some shopping. Maybe downtown to get something with the birthday money Avery got - it is burning a hole in her wallet. And yes, her wallet is cuter than mine, I need a new one.

Birthday Time Again

She's growing up. Really and truly becoming a big kid. It's hard to believe that I have only been able to share 4 birthdays with my girl, but everyone has been emotional and wonderful.

Birthdays make me think a lot about her birthmother, and how grateful I am that Natalia chose adoption for our girl. I wonder if she thinks of her on this special day. I wish she could know how amazing this little girl is and how much of a blessing she is to our lives.

This particular birthday is a little bitter sweet. We thought we would be celebrating this day with the addition of a new baby. Our little one that was lost was due on Ave's birthday. I'm sad, but focusing on all I do have, instead of what's missing. My love cup runs over, because of my spunky little monkey.

Apparently six year olds are whitty, smart, and imaginative. I love watching Avery get excited about math or hug my neck till my eyeballs pop when I praise her. She is the life of the party and can make friends in seconds. Most days I am proud of her manners and compassion. Her favorite thing in the world is riding her bike. (still with training wheels) She no longer refers to Starbucks as "StarBucket" because she is too grown up for that. And she is a total prankster.

So tomorrow we will celebrate the amazingly bright and vivacious girl I get to call mine. Happy Birthday Avery Ryan. Mommy loves your guts!

Bored in Indiana

That about sums up my life these days. Bored, irritated, and more boredom.

The move went well. I can't stand living unsettled, so I unpacked in just a couple days. In hindsight, I probably should have spread it out. Since now it has been raining for weeks and I have nothing to do, nothing that is except shop. Shop at the same few stores over, and over, and over again. Blah, blah, blah! Doesn't help that I can't even find anything I like well enough to buy.

We tried out a new church and the people were really nice. We liked it well enough, but just aren't sure. We have a few others we want to check out. I guess once we choose one, we'll get to know more people.

I am having a big dilema over what we are going to do for school next year. As you all know, I homeschooled Avery this past year. This year I really think she could handle the classroom setting and do fine. I also love the advantages of homeschooling (and can't imagine how BORED I would be if she weren't here). Honestly is it sad that my only interaction is with a 5 year old? The Christian schools are too pricey, so that is out for now. It is either public or homeschool. I am open to input. And if she went to public, I guess I could always get a job. I just don't know and don't feel strongly pulled in one way or the other.

The area here is nice, although I like some of the adjacent towns better. Still it's only a 15 minute drive, so I can't complain. We've been to the zoo, the children's museum, and a few area parks. I have also checked out 2 malls and found Trader Joes. I feel like I know my way around, unless I go downtown.

Guess that is all for now. I don't want to be a whiner, so I'll quit with the light stuff.

5 More Days

I was organizing pictures and came across this one. It was fall 2008. What 4 year old does the monkey bars by themselves. She is a freak of nature.

Things are closing in on me fast. I can't believe I am moving in a few days. Most of my house is sadly empty and my garage is piled high with boxes.

I am honestly just ready for the move to be over. It is a huge hassle and I have no time for it.

So this week if you think of it, say a prayer for us. And Tuesday if you could say a prayer for my friend Julz who is having surgery.

My Easter Girly

It's the Final Countdown

This week is our last week with the kids. I am so excited to see them bond with their forever family. It is really special. I knew God had something great up His sleeve, but I never knew how great it would be to watch it unfold. I still have my sad moments, but I know God's got it all taken care of.

On another note - we found a house. We had to compromise some space for an amazing neighborhood, but it is still big enough for guests, so it'll do. It is really nearby to some wonderful shopping, so this girl is thrilled!

I am on my 3rd week of single parenting. My hats are off to all you amazing mommy's that swing it full time. Whew, it's hard not having someone to relieve you after a long trying day. Thankfully the kids are nearly as exhausted as me and have been going to bed nice and early.

There is still a lot for me to do to get ready for the move, but this week I am not thinking about it. Once the kids are gone I will dive in and call the cable, phone, utility companies and all the other boring stuff I need to do, in addition to packing. Oh, and get together with my girls for a goodbye dinner, and a farewell luch at church and sooooooo many other things. I think I will rest when June gets here.

So Long, Farewell.... I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGH!!!!!! All I want to do is cry and sream, and kick up a tantrum like a toddler. Not very lady-like and won't do me much good. Still, maybe I'd feel better.

This past weekend we met the kids adoptive parents. They are wonderful and I just know it is going to be a great thing once everyone adjusts. Right now though, I don't want to let go. I mean honestly - how do you tell an infertile woman who has raised these kids for 18+ months to pack them up and ship them off and to call another woman "Mommy"? It is HARD!!! SOOOOO HARD! I know we made the decision not to adopt. I know it was the right decision, but at this moment I hate it all.

On top of all that, I am leaving my family, my friends, my comfort zone and going it alone in the land of the cornfields. Ok, Ryan will be there and of course I have my saving grace, Avery, but this sure is a lot to throw at a girl all at once.

This is all happening so fast. This weekend we'll spend time with the other S family. Next weekend we'll drop off the kids and head to Indianapolis to house hunt. Then pick up the kids, spend the week bouncing between houses and drop them off for another weekend. Then the kids will either stay or bounce between for the week and we'll say goodbye on the weekend. After that I should have about 2 weeks to pack and get things in order to move.

How did my life get so crazy???

Honest Scrap

Content: Ten things that no one or only a few people know about..Send to: 7 Friends

This is my challenge from my dear Julz. And it has really taken a lot of thought on my part to decide what 10 things to share. I tend to be an open book, but then there are those things that you just don't share... So get ready it won't all be pretty folks.

1. I was a Brownie Troop drop-out. I quit after my very first night in 1st grade. My mom had encouraged me to go, since it was a new school, but minutes in I knew it was not for me. I had already become a bit of a social snob and did not want to be associated with those nerdy girls. gasp! My snobbish behavior continued well into high school. And yes, it still rears it's judgemental head on occasion.

2. I have a terrible temper. It has gotten so much better since we adopted, but Ryan was my punching bag through the infertility years. Luckily he looked past my hormonal state, but I feel really bad for the way I treated him when the lows hit.

3. My biological father is in prison and has been since I was 8 years old. I say biological, because to me that is really all the relationship we have. I haven't seen him since I was 10. He sent letters until I was 18. You'd think that would mean my childhood was a wreck, and in some ways it was (stepdad #1 was a jerk), but really it was perfection. My mom is amazing and my extended family is the one you read about in fairy tales. I seriously love them to my core.

4. I had my last name legally changed as a kid. See post #3 and realize when you are the kid with the infamous name, it isn't so easy changing schools and not having a scarlet letter on your chest.

5. I almost left my husband at the alter. It was a horrible day and nothing went right. I seriously started to freak that our whole lives would be that way. My best friend came in and said, ok, if you want to run, I'll get the car. I took a look down the aisle and said, "Nah, it'll be ok" but honestly the embarrassment was the biggest thing that kept me there. Don't worry Ryan won't be shocked to read this. I told him long ago.

6. I am the only 1 of my moms kids that wasn't a multiple. I have twin sisters a year younger than me, and my youngest sister was a twin, but my mom miscarried only 1 of them. I guess I was always meant to be the oddball.

7. I had an eating disorder in Jr/Sr High. It all started on a whim to get a few pounds off for summer, but I couldn't stop. I was only able to stop after needing medication when I couldn't stop throwing up without making myself. It wasn't good, and I still have to take meds from the damage I did to my body.

8. I will preface this admission by saying that I love my daughter more than life. She is THE reason I live, breathe, and smile. BUT... right after her adoption, I was terribly afraid we made a mistake and I had ruined my life. She was not an easy baby, well she was, but only if I was holding her, feeding her, attached to her by the skin. Literally she would have been happiest if she could have crawled right inside my body and hung out for a few months. She wouldn't let anyone touch her or look at her for weeks and didn't let Ryan alone in the room with her for months. She didn't sleep and I felt like she was sucking the life out of me. I dealt with a little post adoption depression. It was hard. But now, all that craziness, well I barely even flinch. She is my soul!!!!

9. I hate to start reading a book. I love reading, but starting a book, well I almost dread it. The reason is silly, but true. I know that if I pick up a book, I will not be able to put it down until it is done. Honestly, I have been up 48 hours just to finish a book, because it feels like torture to stop mid plot. Good thing I am a fast reader.

10. It would totally shock my family to learn that I am not a republican. I am not a democrat either. I hate labels and neither political party is one that I identify with. I choose to vote the issues and normally align with the independant choice, because I feel they are more free thinkers.

So there you have it. 10 things about me. Some of which I would probably deny to the grave it it weren't for the fact that they are in black and white now. I'd love to hear from Jen, Julie, Dori, Andrea, Rachael, Laurie, and Missi

Indianapolis

Things with a job change seem to operate much like an adoption. By that I mean, hurry up and wait.
We have decided to take the job in Indianapolis. Guess I better brush up on my Nascar and Colts trivia - or find out what those things even are??? The contract isn't signed yet, but barring any non-negotiable stipulations we are headed to the Hoosier state. PS, what is a Hoosier? (note to self, look up Hoosier) The thought was that Ryan would go in a month or two and I would follow a month later. We want him to have some time to get familiar with the city and have a better idea of the area we should choose. Right now we have it narrowed down to 4 suburbs. Of course the best laid plans... Today, Ryan's boss asked if he was up for a start date of next week. Um, say what??? Ryan being the go getter (*ahem, yeah right*) that he is, said sure, no problem. Gee, thanks Ryan for discussing with me first, but whatever.
So, for those of you who know me, it will come as no surprise to know that I have already started packing. I like to be organized!! There won't be anything left to do when move time comes, except load the truck and wrap up dishes. I think the practical work keeps my mind off the emotional parts of the move - letting go of the kids, leaving family behind, starting over, having no support system close by.
We should have some more definate information on the timeframe after their meeting tomorrow.
Things to pray about are:

• a family for the kids to be found quickly


• someone to rent our house


• for us to find a great place in Indy

This is a big change for us, even if it is only a couple hours away. I just really feel like it is the right thing for our family. And there will be a guest room ready and waiting for all of you to visit!

Should I Stay or Should I Go

It is really hard for me to think about relocating, but that is exactly what we are doing. Ryan got an amazing offer from his boss on Monday and passing it up would probably be considered a bone-head move.
So we are seriously considering where and when to go. The choices are Indianapolis or Louisville. Honestly neither are high on my list, since I had been pushing for the East Coast or someplace warm and sunny. Corn fields and rednecks are not my idea of my "dream town". Ok, ok, I know that was mean and Indy is a big city and not so po-dunk - obviously that is where I hope to go. But Ryan has friends in Louisville, so he'd love that.
I thought we were going to have a lot of change before, now it might be a whole new set of changes. I'm ready!

This weekend we are going to Indy to see the town and get a feel for the different areas. We know Louisville better, so that isn't as hard. Hopefully we are blown away and our decision will be an easy one.

Going Public... Again

So it might not have been a big deal, but it was kinda annoying to me to have the blog private. Since we are closing our foster care license I am making it public again, so feel free to add me to your blogroll or whatever.

And now that I don't have to worry about a stray kid in a photo you'll see lots more pictures of my ever growing, not so much weight gaining Noodlehead.

Planning for Change

So those of you who know me well know that I am a compulsive planner. I love to have every part of my life organized, prioritized and buttoned up nice and neat. So to those individuals it will come as no surprise to know that I am planning for the next phase of our lives. We don't know exactly when it will happen, but big changes are coming in the Stevens' house.

We have come to terms with the reality that we can not adopt our 3 little munchkins, as much as we love them and want to, we can't. Right now there is too much uncertainty in our little world. The big news on the radar is that Ryan is looking for a new job and that would possibly mean a relocation for us. We have also decided to close our foster license when the kids leave. We may foster again in the future, but for now, it isn't the right time, and we need to be sure we'll be staying put before we open our hearts again to that possibility.
There are some other little possibilities looming in the air, but for now, that is what is certain.

In order to be ok with the change and all that means I am trying to focus on the positive. That is where my planning comes into play. We are redecorating. Let's be honest here, the kids came with turbo energy and little to no impulse control, so things have gotten a little banged up. I am getting new carpet and furniture. After they leave we'll repurpose some of our rooms and that means decorating!!! See, I am trying to find the good in things. Like less laundry, no more strollers, more flexibliity, quiet... but honestly I am sad and will miss them like crazy. Please pray that they find a great family for them.

I will keep planning for change, lots and lots of change.

Full On CRAZY

That is my life. I had honestly thought that I had hit full tilt, but then the unthinkable happened... I WAS WRONG!!!!!!!!!

Our middle little was recently diagnosed with PDD-NOS. Basically she is on the Autism spectrum, but doesn't have all the charachter markers of Autism. She doesn't fit the labelled categories, so she is "NOS" = not otherwise specified.
This is going to add a lot of craziness to my already hectic schedule. She will now participate in a social development group 2 days a week. It's an hour away, so that is 4 hours of my day, 2 days a week. And I have to get a sitter. She also has speech, OT, and has to see a few specialists.
Next week I have at least 2 appointments a day EVERY DAY. Except Monday, my birthday, when my fabulous friend is bringing her adorable 6 muchkins (ok, 2 are past munchkin status) to hang while the little man see the Dr.

And of course now, with the new diagnosis, the school district which had previously refused to evaluate H, because she "seemed on target" HA!, now agrees to evaluate her for special needs preschool. Idiots!!!!

This has all just been so crazy. I think I need to find a way to stop time.

Oh My Good Golly!!!

Just when I thought it couldn't get any more confusing...

The 3 kids mom is pregnant AGAIN! This throws some interesting scenarios in the mix. It doesn't mean the baby will automatically go into state care, but given the current conditions it seems inevitable that it is just a matter of time.

Summer could be very interesting around here.

Oh my heavens, I can't even process all this drama.

Happy New Year

I'm gonna be honest and say this past month has been HARD. I haven't updated, because honestly, I wasn't sure where to start. So with the new year, I am making a new start.

A little recap - we informed the caseworkers at the end of November that we would not be considering the 3 little ones for adoption. Over the past month I have wrestled with our decision. I know it is what we have to do (a lot of the months events have confirmed it) still it is hard and we love them to pieces.
Avery has been struggling a lot, and I mean a LOT. We are considering a psychiatrist, because it is just out of control. It breaks my heart to see my little girl this hurt and scared. She has told me she wants to go back to Russia and find N, so that she can be her mommy again, that she doesn't want me. I wasn't expecting that until she was a teenager and it stung. I mean rip your heart out, throw it on the floor and stomp it into the ground, stung.
Johnathon is entering the trying 2's with a vengance. It is taking up most of my day, just chasing him down and correcting his behavior.
Hayley is waking at night and wandering the house. She got skates out 2 nights ago - lucky we didn't end up in the ER.
Hannah is doing pretty well, but I think she is catching on to the fact that she might not be here forever and she is acting out a bit - nothing terrible, so I guess she is the easy kid at the moment.

Me, well I am hoping for a better 2010. I have lost myself and need to take hold of what is important to me and stop trying to reach for things that are out of my control. It is time to change focus. The size of my family will be what it is meant to be. And the way it happens is what it is. I can't will "it" into place. Maybe we will be 3,'s maybe not - only time will tell. I need to stop letting that define me.
I am making a lifestle change - not because of the New Year and some resolution, but because I have to. I need to be a priority. So I will focus on my health, my happiness, my family, and my passions. I'm looking for great things to happen! And hoping that SOAR does some amazing work this year.

As I look forward to the year 2010, I am hopeful and holding on to a new resolve. Stay tuned and see what amazing things are in store.