Happy New Year

I'm gonna be honest and say this past month has been HARD. I haven't updated, because honestly, I wasn't sure where to start. So with the new year, I am making a new start.

A little recap - we informed the caseworkers at the end of November that we would not be considering the 3 little ones for adoption. Over the past month I have wrestled with our decision. I know it is what we have to do (a lot of the months events have confirmed it) still it is hard and we love them to pieces.
Avery has been struggling a lot, and I mean a LOT. We are considering a psychiatrist, because it is just out of control. It breaks my heart to see my little girl this hurt and scared. She has told me she wants to go back to Russia and find N, so that she can be her mommy again, that she doesn't want me. I wasn't expecting that until she was a teenager and it stung. I mean rip your heart out, throw it on the floor and stomp it into the ground, stung.
Johnathon is entering the trying 2's with a vengance. It is taking up most of my day, just chasing him down and correcting his behavior.
Hayley is waking at night and wandering the house. She got skates out 2 nights ago - lucky we didn't end up in the ER.
Hannah is doing pretty well, but I think she is catching on to the fact that she might not be here forever and she is acting out a bit - nothing terrible, so I guess she is the easy kid at the moment.

Me, well I am hoping for a better 2010. I have lost myself and need to take hold of what is important to me and stop trying to reach for things that are out of my control. It is time to change focus. The size of my family will be what it is meant to be. And the way it happens is what it is. I can't will "it" into place. Maybe we will be 3,'s maybe not - only time will tell. I need to stop letting that define me.
I am making a lifestle change - not because of the New Year and some resolution, but because I have to. I need to be a priority. So I will focus on my health, my happiness, my family, and my passions. I'm looking for great things to happen! And hoping that SOAR does some amazing work this year.

As I look forward to the year 2010, I am hopeful and holding on to a new resolve. Stay tuned and see what amazing things are in store.