So Long, Farewell.... I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGH!!!!!! All I want to do is cry and sream, and kick up a tantrum like a toddler. Not very lady-like and won't do me much good. Still, maybe I'd feel better.

This past weekend we met the kids adoptive parents. They are wonderful and I just know it is going to be a great thing once everyone adjusts. Right now though, I don't want to let go. I mean honestly - how do you tell an infertile woman who has raised these kids for 18+ months to pack them up and ship them off and to call another woman "Mommy"? It is HARD!!! SOOOOO HARD! I know we made the decision not to adopt. I know it was the right decision, but at this moment I hate it all.

On top of all that, I am leaving my family, my friends, my comfort zone and going it alone in the land of the cornfields. Ok, Ryan will be there and of course I have my saving grace, Avery, but this sure is a lot to throw at a girl all at once.

This is all happening so fast. This weekend we'll spend time with the other S family. Next weekend we'll drop off the kids and head to Indianapolis to house hunt. Then pick up the kids, spend the week bouncing between houses and drop them off for another weekend. Then the kids will either stay or bounce between for the week and we'll say goodbye on the weekend. After that I should have about 2 weeks to pack and get things in order to move.

How did my life get so crazy???

Honest Scrap

Content: Ten things that no one or only a few people know about..Send to: 7 Friends

This is my challenge from my dear Julz. And it has really taken a lot of thought on my part to decide what 10 things to share. I tend to be an open book, but then there are those things that you just don't share... So get ready it won't all be pretty folks.

1. I was a Brownie Troop drop-out. I quit after my very first night in 1st grade. My mom had encouraged me to go, since it was a new school, but minutes in I knew it was not for me. I had already become a bit of a social snob and did not want to be associated with those nerdy girls. gasp! My snobbish behavior continued well into high school. And yes, it still rears it's judgemental head on occasion.

2. I have a terrible temper. It has gotten so much better since we adopted, but Ryan was my punching bag through the infertility years. Luckily he looked past my hormonal state, but I feel really bad for the way I treated him when the lows hit.

3. My biological father is in prison and has been since I was 8 years old. I say biological, because to me that is really all the relationship we have. I haven't seen him since I was 10. He sent letters until I was 18. You'd think that would mean my childhood was a wreck, and in some ways it was (stepdad #1 was a jerk), but really it was perfection. My mom is amazing and my extended family is the one you read about in fairy tales. I seriously love them to my core.

4. I had my last name legally changed as a kid. See post #3 and realize when you are the kid with the infamous name, it isn't so easy changing schools and not having a scarlet letter on your chest.

5. I almost left my husband at the alter. It was a horrible day and nothing went right. I seriously started to freak that our whole lives would be that way. My best friend came in and said, ok, if you want to run, I'll get the car. I took a look down the aisle and said, "Nah, it'll be ok" but honestly the embarrassment was the biggest thing that kept me there. Don't worry Ryan won't be shocked to read this. I told him long ago.

6. I am the only 1 of my moms kids that wasn't a multiple. I have twin sisters a year younger than me, and my youngest sister was a twin, but my mom miscarried only 1 of them. I guess I was always meant to be the oddball.

7. I had an eating disorder in Jr/Sr High. It all started on a whim to get a few pounds off for summer, but I couldn't stop. I was only able to stop after needing medication when I couldn't stop throwing up without making myself. It wasn't good, and I still have to take meds from the damage I did to my body.

8. I will preface this admission by saying that I love my daughter more than life. She is THE reason I live, breathe, and smile. BUT... right after her adoption, I was terribly afraid we made a mistake and I had ruined my life. She was not an easy baby, well she was, but only if I was holding her, feeding her, attached to her by the skin. Literally she would have been happiest if she could have crawled right inside my body and hung out for a few months. She wouldn't let anyone touch her or look at her for weeks and didn't let Ryan alone in the room with her for months. She didn't sleep and I felt like she was sucking the life out of me. I dealt with a little post adoption depression. It was hard. But now, all that craziness, well I barely even flinch. She is my soul!!!!

9. I hate to start reading a book. I love reading, but starting a book, well I almost dread it. The reason is silly, but true. I know that if I pick up a book, I will not be able to put it down until it is done. Honestly, I have been up 48 hours just to finish a book, because it feels like torture to stop mid plot. Good thing I am a fast reader.

10. It would totally shock my family to learn that I am not a republican. I am not a democrat either. I hate labels and neither political party is one that I identify with. I choose to vote the issues and normally align with the independant choice, because I feel they are more free thinkers.

So there you have it. 10 things about me. Some of which I would probably deny to the grave it it weren't for the fact that they are in black and white now. I'd love to hear from Jen, Julie, Dori, Andrea, Rachael, Laurie, and Missi

Indianapolis

Things with a job change seem to operate much like an adoption. By that I mean, hurry up and wait.
We have decided to take the job in Indianapolis. Guess I better brush up on my Nascar and Colts trivia - or find out what those things even are??? The contract isn't signed yet, but barring any non-negotiable stipulations we are headed to the Hoosier state. PS, what is a Hoosier? (note to self, look up Hoosier) The thought was that Ryan would go in a month or two and I would follow a month later. We want him to have some time to get familiar with the city and have a better idea of the area we should choose. Right now we have it narrowed down to 4 suburbs. Of course the best laid plans... Today, Ryan's boss asked if he was up for a start date of next week. Um, say what??? Ryan being the go getter (*ahem, yeah right*) that he is, said sure, no problem. Gee, thanks Ryan for discussing with me first, but whatever.
So, for those of you who know me, it will come as no surprise to know that I have already started packing. I like to be organized!! There won't be anything left to do when move time comes, except load the truck and wrap up dishes. I think the practical work keeps my mind off the emotional parts of the move - letting go of the kids, leaving family behind, starting over, having no support system close by.
We should have some more definate information on the timeframe after their meeting tomorrow.
Things to pray about are:

• a family for the kids to be found quickly


• someone to rent our house


• for us to find a great place in Indy

This is a big change for us, even if it is only a couple hours away. I just really feel like it is the right thing for our family. And there will be a guest room ready and waiting for all of you to visit!