Lately I have been settling into life here in Indianapolis. Things are pretty good, although I am not doing so great at getting to meet people. It'll be better once we start school and find a church (we're still "shopping").
I've found myself wondering over the last weeks if maybe we are meant to be a family of three indefinately. I have always thought it would be unbearable, but then I had been thinking we are finding a real nice groove. Of course thinking of all Avery might miss out on as an only gives me guilt. And not being an only I feel very ill-equipped to meet those specific needs. I sometimes get annoyed when she wants to play ALL day. She is getting better at entertaining herself again. Guess having the kids around made her a little rusty.
So like I said, I was really starting to embrace this new found content vibe. That is, until yesterday. I was online and saw a posting for a 7 mo. old available for adoption. It was like the flood gates broke and all those aches for a baby came flooding in. I did ok and keeping it together. I even talked to Ryan a little about the baby and whether we could get a homestudy done and see about this. I know it isn't possible right now, but I really wish it was. So I went to bed and couldn't sleep and my thoughts started wandering. I just lost it - I literally cried myself to sleep. It was pathetic. I was thinking about the kids and missing J, since we haven't seen him. And then thinking about how much I would love to be the right fit for this other little boy, and wondering if we will EVER be lucky enough to have another child.
Anyway, what will be will be and I know that God has it all worked out perfectly. I just need to get back to being content in the moment. So can somebody tell me how to put back the worms once you open the can?