Disruption

I've been thinking alot about this word lately. In the adoption and foster care world this word has significant meaning and serious ramifications.

I found this definition of disruption:

1. To throw into confusion or disorder
2. To interrupt or impede the progress, movement, or procedure of...
3. To break or burst; rupture.

The first definition is what I have been dealing with lately. The day after Mystery Boy left we were joined by 2 brothers. Since that moment our home has been thrown into a state of confusion and disorder. Not in the physical sense, although there has been some of that, but we are in emotional disorder. We are dealing with one child who is confused and unable to understand his situation and is extremely angry as a result. That anger then translates to those arround and we have complete chaos.
The second definition is the cause of the disorder. There have been too many instances when the interruption and forward movement of this child's development and forming attachments has been impeded.
The third, well that is what we are experiencing now. We had to make the decision to break the relationship and have the kids moved to another home where their needs could be better met. In some ways I feel like I have failed them. But had we not made this decision we would have failed the child we have committed to for life. Her needs had to be our number one priority. Because of the experiences that have shaped her, she isn't yet able to handle the particular issues we are dealing with.
So yet again, a child who is craving love and stability on one hand and fighting it with every ounce of their being on the other, because it is so foreign to them, will find themselves in another new home with new people to try to reach his heart and heal the brokenness.

I've really struggled with this decision, because we knew that making it would be adding to the damage in a child's life. I'm sure some people will think we are just horrible, and believe me when I say that we feel horrible. But we do have peace that this is the right thing for Avery. And we will continue to pray that the right home will be found and this will also be the right thing for these boys as well.
This is something we never fathomed that we would do as foster parents. We are open to nearly all behaviors and have experienced many of them in the past. I think for awhile we are going to be very cautious about the children we accept. There needs to be some healing time for Avery, since she was very affected by what we are dealing with right now.

For today we are going to try and focus on the positive and enjoy any good moments that remain with these 2 little boys.

But disruption... disruption hurts, disruption scars, disruption I hope will heal!

Finding My Feet

I'm feeling a little bit like a fish out of water. I'm really missing having a baby in the house. We currently only have our Super Diva and the mystery boy from a couple weeks ago. Both of whom are fairly capable kids and don't need me for much. It is strange and I am struggling.
We saw Baby C just over a week ago. It was so good to just cuddle him and let him know we are still here and love him to pieces. It was also god to see him forming stronger bonds with his mom. Overall it gave me the opportunity to breathe and not be so constantly worried about him. Since seeing him, I've missed him more and more each day. I honestly don't know if I'd be strong enough to see him today. Maybe tomorrow, but today, my heart just feels broken.

Mystery boy will likely be leaving tomorrow. Although we've had another call and are technically waiting on another placement, we just aren't sure they are coming for reasons I can't really share. We've been on hold for almost 2 weeks and tomorrow when we fid out mystery boy's status we will be opening up for placements again. I am ready, but I feel the need to be a little more cautious about who I say yes too. To say it has been a challenge would be an understatement. Some personalities just don't mix and I find it hard to communicate with this little guy.

I'm pretty sure we will get a call quickly, but I am looking forward to the possibility of a few days with just me and my girl. Yeah the husband too... but he will be working, so you know what I mean.
But oh wait, it might just be a day, because we are doing respite for a friend. So yeah, my life is kinda crazy. But would I really change it? Nope, not on your life!

The Unexpected

So last week, our sweet little Baby C left us. Tuesday was an incredibly difficult day. I think given the circumstances we all weathered the storm with strength and even a little grace. Yes, we did have our fall apart at the seams moments (and still do at times), but we sucked it up and did what we had to do. It helps that we've had a couple little updates and he seems to be doing well.

We decided to take a little time for ourselves. Avery and I spent the week doing some fun things with friends. A trip to the museum, Chick-fil-a play place and lunch, and even the zoo. Activity kept our minds on brighter things. Like celebrating 6 years of being a family!!

On Saturday we planned to go overnight to an indoor waterpark, but when we woke up no one but me wanted to go. Wah, wah, wah! Oh well, Plan B was implemented and we took off to a small artists town for some shopping and fall fun.
At the end of the day we decided to complete our trip with a carriage ride through town. When it was over Super Diva refused to feed the horse and insisted Mommy should do it... um, whoops. I forgot that I am allergic to horses. Needless to say the more than hour drive home was filled with sneezing, itchy eyes, and hives covering my entire face. Not my finest moment.
We got home and I attempted to drown myself in Benadryl. Once things calmed down I thought I could relax, so in went a movie and... RING, RING.

Who would be calling at 10 p.m. on a Saturday night, but the county, trying to place not 1, but 2 seperate kids. What was I thinking? I said yes to both. So back up to get dressed, out to the car, to load up carseats, and away I went. During the drive I talked Ryan through going through the clothes bins and putting sheets on a crib. That was an interesting phone conversation.
I arrived home a little after 11 with 2 new little people. One was sound asleep and I just put her straight to bed. The other, well he seems to be nocturnal and doesn't like ot sleep at night. I finally convinced him to lay his head on the pillow and let him fall asleep with lights and TV and all the other no,no's in the house. I made it to bed at 1:30 in the morning. He woke hourly to yell for me, but doesn't call me by my name, rather "missy".

Both kids aren't likely to be around long. In fact girly went home after 40 hours. But this is the life of emergency calls. Adrenaline rush and sleep deprivation!

So much for a little break and family time. I hope 1 day was enough!