And The Beat Goes On

This is a post that I've been struggling over for the last couple days. Honestly I could barely say the words, so I certainly didn't want to see them glaring back at me in 14 inch font.

You see, the hard part of fostering, the part that everyone questions and swears they could never do is what I am facing right now. It's the letting go. Not after a few days, which I did yesterday by the way, but after months and months of loving a child and pouring your everything into them.
Tonight will be the first night in over 7 months that little man will not be sleeping under the same roof as me. I won't need to go check on him and make sure he's breathing. The truth is I'll probably still wake up to do these things, but I won't need to. Today he gets his first real glimpse of what will soon be his new life. And I will try to prepare myself for what will once again be a close to empty house, but not too much because it can change in an instant with one phone call.

Next week, unless the judge does not support the recommendation of DCS and others (yeah, right!) I will say goodbye to my sweet little boy whose tears I've wiped, boo boo's I've kissed, and who knows me as mom for over 7 of his 10 months of life. I will no longer be the "mama" that answers when he calls. There really isn't a good way to prepare for that, but I have to try.

So while a piece of my heart will be ripped out and go with him, I have to press on. Because like it or not, it's happening. It's the choice I made when I answered the call to open my home and my heart to these kids. Kids who may only need me for a season will have my heart forever.
Yes, it's hard, it hurts and there are days, like today when I wonder if it's worth it. But one look into the face of these sweet babies (and big kids too) and all doubt washes away.

So we move on, with hearts a little more fragile than before. Still beating, still open and waiting to love the next little one that looks into your heart with all the fear and confusion that consumes their face. And together we will work to heal the broken pieces.

3 + 3 = 0

No, this is not my home educator skills falling apart at the seams. This is the equation of my last few weeks.
You see in 3 weeks we've had 3 calls for possible placements, that have resulted in ZERO children.
Week 1 - call for newborn. An hour later said newborn was placed with family that came forward. I am totally cool with that. Would have loved to find out in that hour and not the next day after I bought baby clothes and such, but hey, such is the life of a foster parent.
Week 2 - call for 2 possible kiddos. Set to arrive late the following week. Waiting, waiting, and more waiting. That following week... court continued. More waiting.
Week 3 - call for 6 month old. Said yes right away and started packing diaper bag while waiting on the case worker to call back. But wait we are going out of town in an hour... no problem one of us will stay home. Case worker tried, but supervisor said to place elsewhere and not inconvenience us. Ok, I can live with that, but seriously would have jumped through hoops for a kiddo that needed some lovin'.
Week 4 - Back to the kids from week 2 and that continued court hearing. Heard absolutely nothing. Guess they don't need us.

So this is just a picture of the whirlwind that we live every day. Being ready at a moments notice. Moving beds, rearranging rooms, clothing on hand for any kid in every size. And most of all waiting. I really don't like waiting. I'm a doer. When I see a problem, and believe me I hear and see it on the news every day, I want to jump in up to my elbows and get dirty.

Right now I still have Baby Bubba, as Ryan so affectionately calls him, here to keep my focus. And believe me there is plenty there to keep me on my toes.

Avery of course is full tilt into new school year chaos mode. That is enough to send me to a padded room.

Things are leveling out though and I think we are ready for more chaos in our world. We just aren't quite sure what to do without it.

The Highs and Lows

Since Ryan and I started trying to build our family all too long ago it has been a series of highs and lows. It seems this phase of life is no exception. Foster care seems to be the pinnacle of the emotional rollercoaster.
In the last few months we've had the possible arrival of 2 children that didn't come. We've said goodbye to a little one whom we had in our home for over 5 months. And now we have yet another possibility of 2 more children's arrival in the coming week.
It's a lot to process. As an adult I often get caught up in the emotion. For my child, well it can be rough. Really rough.
This past week one of our former foster kiddos celebrated a birthday. She was at the forefront of our minds and she along with her siblings have been the topic of our conversations a lot this week. It's hard to miss them. It's hard to know your place once they move on. To stay involved and yet not overstep. To let them heal with their new family, but to let them know they still hold a place in your heart. Tricky stuff.
So this week we wait, we prepare, we pray, and we hope for what might be. In the next breath we mourn the loss, we grieve for the hurt and pain that brings children to our home, and we pray that we will be equipped to handle it all.