This is a post that I've been struggling over for the last couple days. Honestly I could barely say the words, so I certainly didn't want to see them glaring back at me in 14 inch font.
You see, the hard part of fostering, the part that everyone questions and swears they could never do is what I am facing right now. It's the letting go. Not after a few days, which I did yesterday by the way, but after months and months of loving a child and pouring your everything into them.
Tonight will be the first night in over 7 months that little man will not be sleeping under the same roof as me. I won't need to go check on him and make sure he's breathing. The truth is I'll probably still wake up to do these things, but I won't need to. Today he gets his first real glimpse of what will soon be his new life. And I will try to prepare myself for what will once again be a close to empty house, but not too much because it can change in an instant with one phone call.
Next week, unless the judge does not support the recommendation of DCS and others (yeah, right!) I will say goodbye to my sweet little boy whose tears I've wiped, boo boo's I've kissed, and who knows me as mom for over 7 of his 10 months of life. I will no longer be the "mama" that answers when he calls. There really isn't a good way to prepare for that, but I have to try.
So while a piece of my heart will be ripped out and go with him, I have to press on. Because like it or not, it's happening. It's the choice I made when I answered the call to open my home and my heart to these kids. Kids who may only need me for a season will have my heart forever.
Yes, it's hard, it hurts and there are days, like today when I wonder if it's worth it. But one look into the face of these sweet babies (and big kids too) and all doubt washes away.
So we move on, with hearts a little more fragile than before. Still beating, still open and waiting to love the next little one that looks into your heart with all the fear and confusion that consumes their face. And together we will work to heal the broken pieces.
WHAT A WEEK!
4 years ago
3 comments:
Wow...such strong emotions and thoughts..but so beautiful. God has given you a calling and a strength.
praying for you, dear one!
Jen, I know how you feel! After fostering my nephews for 5 months, it was so, so hard letting them go six weeks ago. But he is protecting our little guys and has given me new creativity and outlets. It's still hard sometimes, but I'm so happy that ruinification was possible.
Post a Comment