Finding My Feet

I'm feeling a little bit like a fish out of water. I'm really missing having a baby in the house. We currently only have our Super Diva and the mystery boy from a couple weeks ago. Both of whom are fairly capable kids and don't need me for much. It is strange and I am struggling.
We saw Baby C just over a week ago. It was so good to just cuddle him and let him know we are still here and love him to pieces. It was also god to see him forming stronger bonds with his mom. Overall it gave me the opportunity to breathe and not be so constantly worried about him. Since seeing him, I've missed him more and more each day. I honestly don't know if I'd be strong enough to see him today. Maybe tomorrow, but today, my heart just feels broken.

Mystery boy will likely be leaving tomorrow. Although we've had another call and are technically waiting on another placement, we just aren't sure they are coming for reasons I can't really share. We've been on hold for almost 2 weeks and tomorrow when we fid out mystery boy's status we will be opening up for placements again. I am ready, but I feel the need to be a little more cautious about who I say yes too. To say it has been a challenge would be an understatement. Some personalities just don't mix and I find it hard to communicate with this little guy.

I'm pretty sure we will get a call quickly, but I am looking forward to the possibility of a few days with just me and my girl. Yeah the husband too... but he will be working, so you know what I mean.
But oh wait, it might just be a day, because we are doing respite for a friend. So yeah, my life is kinda crazy. But would I really change it? Nope, not on your life!

The Unexpected

So last week, our sweet little Baby C left us. Tuesday was an incredibly difficult day. I think given the circumstances we all weathered the storm with strength and even a little grace. Yes, we did have our fall apart at the seams moments (and still do at times), but we sucked it up and did what we had to do. It helps that we've had a couple little updates and he seems to be doing well.

We decided to take a little time for ourselves. Avery and I spent the week doing some fun things with friends. A trip to the museum, Chick-fil-a play place and lunch, and even the zoo. Activity kept our minds on brighter things. Like celebrating 6 years of being a family!!

On Saturday we planned to go overnight to an indoor waterpark, but when we woke up no one but me wanted to go. Wah, wah, wah! Oh well, Plan B was implemented and we took off to a small artists town for some shopping and fall fun.
At the end of the day we decided to complete our trip with a carriage ride through town. When it was over Super Diva refused to feed the horse and insisted Mommy should do it... um, whoops. I forgot that I am allergic to horses. Needless to say the more than hour drive home was filled with sneezing, itchy eyes, and hives covering my entire face. Not my finest moment.
We got home and I attempted to drown myself in Benadryl. Once things calmed down I thought I could relax, so in went a movie and... RING, RING.

Who would be calling at 10 p.m. on a Saturday night, but the county, trying to place not 1, but 2 seperate kids. What was I thinking? I said yes to both. So back up to get dressed, out to the car, to load up carseats, and away I went. During the drive I talked Ryan through going through the clothes bins and putting sheets on a crib. That was an interesting phone conversation.
I arrived home a little after 11 with 2 new little people. One was sound asleep and I just put her straight to bed. The other, well he seems to be nocturnal and doesn't like ot sleep at night. I finally convinced him to lay his head on the pillow and let him fall asleep with lights and TV and all the other no,no's in the house. I made it to bed at 1:30 in the morning. He woke hourly to yell for me, but doesn't call me by my name, rather "missy".

Both kids aren't likely to be around long. In fact girly went home after 40 hours. But this is the life of emergency calls. Adrenaline rush and sleep deprivation!

So much for a little break and family time. I hope 1 day was enough!

And The Beat Goes On

This is a post that I've been struggling over for the last couple days. Honestly I could barely say the words, so I certainly didn't want to see them glaring back at me in 14 inch font.

You see, the hard part of fostering, the part that everyone questions and swears they could never do is what I am facing right now. It's the letting go. Not after a few days, which I did yesterday by the way, but after months and months of loving a child and pouring your everything into them.
Tonight will be the first night in over 7 months that little man will not be sleeping under the same roof as me. I won't need to go check on him and make sure he's breathing. The truth is I'll probably still wake up to do these things, but I won't need to. Today he gets his first real glimpse of what will soon be his new life. And I will try to prepare myself for what will once again be a close to empty house, but not too much because it can change in an instant with one phone call.

Next week, unless the judge does not support the recommendation of DCS and others (yeah, right!) I will say goodbye to my sweet little boy whose tears I've wiped, boo boo's I've kissed, and who knows me as mom for over 7 of his 10 months of life. I will no longer be the "mama" that answers when he calls. There really isn't a good way to prepare for that, but I have to try.

So while a piece of my heart will be ripped out and go with him, I have to press on. Because like it or not, it's happening. It's the choice I made when I answered the call to open my home and my heart to these kids. Kids who may only need me for a season will have my heart forever.
Yes, it's hard, it hurts and there are days, like today when I wonder if it's worth it. But one look into the face of these sweet babies (and big kids too) and all doubt washes away.

So we move on, with hearts a little more fragile than before. Still beating, still open and waiting to love the next little one that looks into your heart with all the fear and confusion that consumes their face. And together we will work to heal the broken pieces.