Discouraged!

This is mainly a personal vent, so feel free to ignore...

I am discouraged, frustrated and confused. Our alone time last weekend, while wonderful and needed, didn't bring resolution to our decision about adopting the kidlets.
Not only was no decision made, but a slew of new questions and possibilities were brought to the table. It is all so overwhelming and there is no clear direction.
How do you reconcile your dreams with your reality? We took a leap of faith and started down MY dream path 2 years ago, only to have it blow up in our faces.
Since then we have been changing gears and spinning our wheels trying to get somewhere, not knowing if we really loved the destination.
I want my old road. I want Russia. I want the excitement of waiting for our referral, the overflowing emotion of hearing footsteps coming down a hall and seeing that face for the first time. I want to have the in country time to bond alone away from everyone else and become a family.

Maybe I am just being nostalgic, because we are coming up on our Gotcha Day. I don't know, but my heart is hopeful.

Ryan is hoping for another path, that I am not too sure about. It could be good, but I don't KNOW it like I KNOW Russia.

And all of this leaves us still uncertain about how 3 little kids asleep in their beds upstairs "fit".

So until we know, we'll just keep trying to find that missing piece to our puzzle.