Court Date

August 10th... that is the date of the Permanent Custody Hearing. I am living in a state of confusion and bewilderment.

We never expected to have our first placement turn into an adoption. We never thought we'd adopt 3 kids at one time. Now I am not saying we will, but I am just stunned at the possibility. Really I am struggling to wrap my mind around my current reality.

Since this is a private blog and I can just unload, I am going to, so bear with me.

The way I see it is this. We adore the kids, but they aren't all easy to parent. The baby is cake, just as easy going as they come, but the other 2, well - let's just say it is work. Work to not grow tired to teaching and reteaching the same thing over and over. To not get aggravated when that repetitive instruction doesn't bring on results. To apologize for others mistakes and know that you have to heal the wounds they inflicted. And a host of other things that are exhausting WORK.

Yes, I said I adore them, because I do. They are sweet and gentle and very much seeking love and affection. It is so exciting to watch them grow and learn new things. They fit very well in the family, and play great with Avery (when they aren't fighting over toys).

So you see part of our dilema. Weighing the exhaustion of raising 4 kids to the reward. Is there a comparision???

Now the other kicker... I WANT TO ADOPT ANOTHER BABY!!! Really, my heart is in Russia. Has been from the beginning, but we got derailed and I thought fostering was a good option until we could pursue that dream. And we would just see what happens. So that dream isn't dead. I may not get to adopt from Russia again, but somehow I do want another baby. Which leaves me with the question - can we handle FIVE? or what if we keep fostering, do we want SIX kids? will another child push us over the edge with the issues we have already.

Then there is Avery. If they left, it would shatter her world. She loves them they have been her siblings for nearly a year. I know she sometimes misses that one on one, but in reality, she has bonded to them.

Ugh! It's all so complicated. So very messy and emotional.

Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get it all out. Maybe now I can look at it objectively.

Since this was a gloomy post, how about a picture of my favorite redhead to brighten the mood. Here she is going wild at Bananas.