Living on the Edge

In general life with Avery is "interesting" as we like to put it. She has her challenges, but when I think of where we came from I no longer want to cower in a corner and cry. The strides she has made over the last couple years make the day to day very manageable and most of the time pleasant.
As of late, things are more hanging by a thread. We teeter on the edge of a cliff we call "Meltdown City". You see, all the changes are overloading her system and I find myself walking on eggshells and trying to stay a step ahead of her to forge off the offending stimuli. It can be anything from not riding "her" horse on the carousel, to my shutting the door when I am in the shower - which is seen as me abondoning her. Yes it looks like Chinese water torture when I grab my six year old off of a horse and plop onto the ground to get eye contact and regain control, but I am doing what she needs. She needs to feel safe, take a breath and regroup, BEFORE she can understand that "the" horse she loves was not stolen from her... the little girl who also loves the horse with the flower didn't KNOW she wanted to ride it too. Luckily it takes less and less time to regain control in these situations that would have taken HOURS. Yesterday's incident only took 2 minutes. Hey, that is progress!
Our move and the seperation from our friends and family is hard for all of us, but I don't think I had adequately prepared myself to step back into such a proactive role of constant reassurance. As we get closer to the start of the school year, with more responsibility and a new co-op with new people to get accustomed to I am trying to set realistic expectations for both myself and Avery. Not to mention to verbally prepare her for even more changes.
I have to say, that I am so grateful for the amazing spirit that Avery has. She is a light. She is joy and excitement, love and laughter. Those are the things that get me through the rough moments. I know that on the other end, we will see that bright smile and hear her "I love you, your the best".

Lately I have been settling into life here in Indianapolis. Things are pretty good, although I am not doing so great at getting to meet people. It'll be better once we start school and find a church (we're still "shopping").
I've found myself wondering over the last weeks if maybe we are meant to be a family of three indefinately. I have always thought it would be unbearable, but then I had been thinking we are finding a real nice groove. Of course thinking of all Avery might miss out on as an only gives me guilt. And not being an only I feel very ill-equipped to meet those specific needs. I sometimes get annoyed when she wants to play ALL day. She is getting better at entertaining herself again. Guess having the kids around made her a little rusty.
So like I said, I was really starting to embrace this new found content vibe. That is, until yesterday. I was online and saw a posting for a 7 mo. old available for adoption. It was like the flood gates broke and all those aches for a baby came flooding in. I did ok and keeping it together. I even talked to Ryan a little about the baby and whether we could get a homestudy done and see about this. I know it isn't possible right now, but I really wish it was. So I went to bed and couldn't sleep and my thoughts started wandering. I just lost it - I literally cried myself to sleep. It was pathetic. I was thinking about the kids and missing J, since we haven't seen him. And then thinking about how much I would love to be the right fit for this other little boy, and wondering if we will EVER be lucky enough to have another child.
Anyway, what will be will be and I know that God has it all worked out perfectly. I just need to get back to being content in the moment. So can somebody tell me how to put back the worms once you open the can?

From Frump to Fab-u-lous

Or at least non-frump. Not sure I'll ever qualify as fabulous.

I've been feeling pretty ick about my hair and had been wanting some bold color for a LONG time. Last week I put my foot down and made an appointment. I figured since I don't know the area I'd give the local beauty school a try, after all they have a nice salon close by. I went in this morning well prepared. I knew what I wanted (which morphed over the course of the day), had snacks, music, and heaps of coloring books and reading books for Avery and anticipated a long day. I did NOT expect 5 HOURS in a chair while my daughter entertained the staff and students. She sang, did hair (on a dummy) and colored her heart out - I was so proud! She didn't complain one time.

So I walked in looking something like this...

and came out like this...

I like it. It's different. Definately less boring.