The Rollercoaster Ride.

For those of you who aren't aware, this past week has been really emotional and trying.
On Thursday, the 30th, I went to the Dr. because I was certain that I had a serious medical condition. Things just weren't normal and I couldn't imagine what was wrong. the nurse as usual asked if there was any chance I might be pregnant, and I laughed at the ridiculousness of her question. She insisted they test anyway.
I was meeting with the NP, when the nurse came back in with a little plastic test in her hand. She showed it to me and I shrugged it off, assuming it was negative, like always. She had to explain a number of times that it was positive, and I continued to argue that she must be wrong. I had my exam and they confirmed that my uterus was normal for a 6-7 week pregnancy. I think I was literally in shock, I just cried, shook, and nodded at the foreign language they were speaking to me.
They drew my blood, gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins, set up an OB appointment, and gave me directions to have a repeat blood draw on Saturday.

I was just in shock over the following days. I had my blood drawn on Saturday, but had to wait until Monday for the results. I called, and around 10 a.m. the nurse called me back. My hcg levels were dropping. The nurse explained what I already knew was bad news. They expected me to miscarry, but wanted me to come in the following day for an ultrasound. Monday was a jumble of emotions and hopelessness. but late in the day I decided to take a little control and see why this was happening again.

Tuesday I woke up early, and went to my old RE to have blood drawn, yet again, before I headed in for my ultrasound. They took Ryan and I back to the ultrasound room and the tech performed my ultrasound. It again was not good news. They didn't find anything. The doctor said it was just a matter of time before I would miscarry, and sent me on my way, with instructions to come back for another blood draw.

So now here I am, 5 days later and nothing. No signs of miscarriage, so I wait... Wait for this to all be over, wait for the next step, wait for closure. I will be going in on Tuesday to see where my levels are now.

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How this changes things...

Obviously, the unexpected news has given us pause. We have started to think about why this happened and what the purpose can be. Ryan and I both agree that we would like to take advantage of this time and try again to get pregnant.

The other thing to consider is the 3 kids. We care a lot about them, but we just aren't sure about the size of family that keeping them means. We don't feel certain about a decision at this point, and I am in no way in the right frame of mind to make a decision any time soon.

So that is where we are now, and the drama of our very emotional week.

Gotcha!

In honor of our 4th year as a family. Here's my shining star.

How One Phone Call Can Change Your Life

Let me take you back in time. Four years ago to be exact. Lots of turmoil in the world - hurricane Katrina damage was still fresh and hurricane Rita was approaching.
It had been 4 1/2 months since we met our little Innushka and I was on the verge of giving up hope that we'd be a family soon. We had gotten a referral for our sweet girl nearly a year earlier, Sept. 28, 2004 and my heart was set on getting a court date before we hit that 1 year mark.
Imagine my suprise when I got the call that court would be the 27th.
I had FOUR DAYS, to pack (ok, you all know me I was mostly packed already), get last minute baby items, gifts, and make arrangements for VISAs, flights, hotels, and transportation.
This was really it, the home stretch. We were finally here. I can't tell you how many times I had to remind myself to breathe over the next few days. It was a total whirlwind. Changing flights and re-routing us a million times in order to avoid the hurricane's path.
So the day finally came. We were ready! Only 31 hours until we'd land in Khabarovsk. We took off from Cincinnati and landed in NYC for a 6 hour layover. Then flew to Moscow and went straight to the airport, where we waited another 7 hours for our flight. In line for our flight we were standing by another couple who, due to the giveaway empty car seat we knew was adopting also. We introduced ourselves and thus began the Stevens/Carlino eternal bond. Nine + hours with a 6 foot female volleyball players knees in my back and my legs curled up on the wheel thingy on the plane and we were there.
We landed in Khabarovsk, got our bags and on the way to our apartments we found out that ANOTHER new law was going into effect and we needed to hurry to the hospital to have medicals completed for court the next morning. Ah, we dropped off our bags, changed clothes and headed out for an interesting afternoon of "medicals" - really they should just call it multiple breast exams (sorry guys, it's true). Then some food, off to see the babies - what a moment - that was just the best hug and she was not gonna let go for a second. Finally rest... I could not stay awake another minute, but we had to be down to meet with Anna for our pre-court prep at 8 then, back to sleep - who could sleep? We were going to be parents in a little more than 12 hours!
The morning of court. I was pretty calm, until we got in the van, then I had nerves head to toe. Again, reminding myself to breathe. The Carlino's went a 1/2 hour before us, and so we were going alone. We got to the courthouse and I was so excited. Then the elevator opened and I saw Kathy's face - uh oh, it didn't go well. Paperwork mess up and lots of stress to be had over the next few days. There go those nerves again, did they mess up our paperwork, will some family member come out of the woodwork. I took a deep breath and got on the elevator with assurances that everything would be fine. Twenty five minutes later...
It wasn't fine - it was AMAZING!!!!! I was a mom, Ryan was a dad -we were PARENTS!!!!!! After years of waiting and agony, our lives were forever changed.
I knew I wasn't supposed to cry in court, but come on. I was a blubbering mess when the judge read that decree. I tried did my best to ensure it at least wasn't my ugly cry, but not sure I managed that.
We left the courthouse high on life. Headed back to the apartment to change and pack a bag (just in case they let us bring her home then), went for some lunch to celebrate/commiserate each of our court hearings, and then off to the baby home to see OUR daughter.
She came in and we played a bit, then Eugene asked what we wanted to do - well take her home of course - so he went to ask. They said YES! We talked with her Dr., changed her clothes, hugged goodbye and walked out the door to our new life.
The next days and weeks were a blur of amazingness, stressfulness, sleeplessness, and bonding.
The Carlino's after a week of hell on earth had a great hearing on Friday and became parents to the Fabulous Miss T - Avery's BFF - and we had a great time hanging out in Khabarovsk, eating strange market food, and getting to know our girls.
We didn't make it home until October 17th and by then I was drained - the trip was emotional and horrible, but yet somehow happier than I had ever been.
Since that day, September 27th, 2005, my world has never been the same. My bad days aren't as bad. My happy days are far happier. I laugh and see the joy in the little things. All because of Avery. She's my light and my world. god sure knew what He was doing putting her in our lives, and I am so thankful He chose me to be her mommy.


And that's how my life changed with just 1 phone call.