The Rollercoaster Ride.

For those of you who aren't aware, this past week has been really emotional and trying.
On Thursday, the 30th, I went to the Dr. because I was certain that I had a serious medical condition. Things just weren't normal and I couldn't imagine what was wrong. the nurse as usual asked if there was any chance I might be pregnant, and I laughed at the ridiculousness of her question. She insisted they test anyway.
I was meeting with the NP, when the nurse came back in with a little plastic test in her hand. She showed it to me and I shrugged it off, assuming it was negative, like always. She had to explain a number of times that it was positive, and I continued to argue that she must be wrong. I had my exam and they confirmed that my uterus was normal for a 6-7 week pregnancy. I think I was literally in shock, I just cried, shook, and nodded at the foreign language they were speaking to me.
They drew my blood, gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins, set up an OB appointment, and gave me directions to have a repeat blood draw on Saturday.

I was just in shock over the following days. I had my blood drawn on Saturday, but had to wait until Monday for the results. I called, and around 10 a.m. the nurse called me back. My hcg levels were dropping. The nurse explained what I already knew was bad news. They expected me to miscarry, but wanted me to come in the following day for an ultrasound. Monday was a jumble of emotions and hopelessness. but late in the day I decided to take a little control and see why this was happening again.

Tuesday I woke up early, and went to my old RE to have blood drawn, yet again, before I headed in for my ultrasound. They took Ryan and I back to the ultrasound room and the tech performed my ultrasound. It again was not good news. They didn't find anything. The doctor said it was just a matter of time before I would miscarry, and sent me on my way, with instructions to come back for another blood draw.

So now here I am, 5 days later and nothing. No signs of miscarriage, so I wait... Wait for this to all be over, wait for the next step, wait for closure. I will be going in on Tuesday to see where my levels are now.

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How this changes things...

Obviously, the unexpected news has given us pause. We have started to think about why this happened and what the purpose can be. Ryan and I both agree that we would like to take advantage of this time and try again to get pregnant.

The other thing to consider is the 3 kids. We care a lot about them, but we just aren't sure about the size of family that keeping them means. We don't feel certain about a decision at this point, and I am in no way in the right frame of mind to make a decision any time soon.

So that is where we are now, and the drama of our very emotional week.