Where Are We Now

Limbo - it's a place I feel like we've been for the past 3 years. First waiting to adopt from Russia again, then starting and stopping our 2nd Russian adoption, then maybe domestic and starting the homestudy only to decide to foster, and a year of fostering, one loss... and more limbo.

Well, this is not a place I like being anymore. I'm tired! Limbo has sucked the life out of me and I am drained of my ambition. It has however challenged me to look at my heart and decide what my expectations are, and what I need to feel confident in my decisions. There are a few things I have discovered.

1.) I have not lost the desire to experience the newborn phase that we missed with Avery.
2.) It takes me time to open my heart to a child and embrace them as my own.
3.) Russia is my heart. It's what I know and love.
4.) I can't save every child.

There is lots more I have learned, but those are the key things that are helping us navigate our decision. I can only speak for myself, since Ryan has his own challenges, but this is the core of what we keep coming back to.

The kids have been with us for 13 months. It's a long time and they have grown a LOT. They are resilient, bright, and adorable kids. Having had some time to adjust to the idea that they might need a permanent home has made me realize that even with all of that, how much I have never felt like they were mine. I guess I feel like the glorified babysitter. Yes, they call me mommy, they look for me when they have a boo boo. They have embraced us as their parents, but I... well, somehow, I have stayed guarded from that "love without abandon". It's understandable, I think, since we met their birthparents, encouraged them along the way to pull it together and make a life for them and their children. In my mind they have always been theirs and we were a temprary family. So how do you let go of that feeling? How can I change what I have done for the last year? I don't know.
This is what keeps bringing us back to our Russian experience. Did we know for sure right away, well, sadly I say no. We had been burned a bit already and we were guarded, but we knew she was worth the leap. The biggest difference for me was that we had time. Time to gush over her picture, to pray for her, to plan for her - and in that time, even before we met her, we fell head over heels in love with our girl . I knew from the moment the plane landed in Khabarovsk, that there was no way, I was saying "no". In fact I was already plotting ways to wait out our time between court in Russia. (I know, I know - not happening)

So likely, we will not be adopting our 3 foster kids. There are a number of reasons, but it boils down to feeling like there will be a family who is planning and hoping for THEM. One that won't have the baggage of their birthfamily, and the threats, and emotion of seeing their past firsthand. It breaks my heart, but I know in this moment, it's right. God would really have to move for our decision to change.

What's next for us? LOTS!
First, we are back in the game of trying to get pregnant. I know it is a long shot, since we aren't going high tech, but this is kinda our last shot, so we're taking it.
We will keep fostering. There are just too many kids that need a home and love, and we can do that. I think our expectation of adopting through the system has changed, although you never know.
And Russia... well we haven't given up on that either. I really want to adopt from Russia again, and maybe in a few years, we can. I know we can't now, there is too much on our plates, but someday, I hope and pray it will be in the cards.

I Love Fall

It is such a fun time of year. Today we took the kids to Parky's Farm. They had a blast playing and visiting the animals.

I have never seen 4 kids more excited over chickens. Here are a few pictures of Avery hamming it up.

The Rollercoaster Ride.

For those of you who aren't aware, this past week has been really emotional and trying.
On Thursday, the 30th, I went to the Dr. because I was certain that I had a serious medical condition. Things just weren't normal and I couldn't imagine what was wrong. the nurse as usual asked if there was any chance I might be pregnant, and I laughed at the ridiculousness of her question. She insisted they test anyway.
I was meeting with the NP, when the nurse came back in with a little plastic test in her hand. She showed it to me and I shrugged it off, assuming it was negative, like always. She had to explain a number of times that it was positive, and I continued to argue that she must be wrong. I had my exam and they confirmed that my uterus was normal for a 6-7 week pregnancy. I think I was literally in shock, I just cried, shook, and nodded at the foreign language they were speaking to me.
They drew my blood, gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins, set up an OB appointment, and gave me directions to have a repeat blood draw on Saturday.

I was just in shock over the following days. I had my blood drawn on Saturday, but had to wait until Monday for the results. I called, and around 10 a.m. the nurse called me back. My hcg levels were dropping. The nurse explained what I already knew was bad news. They expected me to miscarry, but wanted me to come in the following day for an ultrasound. Monday was a jumble of emotions and hopelessness. but late in the day I decided to take a little control and see why this was happening again.

Tuesday I woke up early, and went to my old RE to have blood drawn, yet again, before I headed in for my ultrasound. They took Ryan and I back to the ultrasound room and the tech performed my ultrasound. It again was not good news. They didn't find anything. The doctor said it was just a matter of time before I would miscarry, and sent me on my way, with instructions to come back for another blood draw.

So now here I am, 5 days later and nothing. No signs of miscarriage, so I wait... Wait for this to all be over, wait for the next step, wait for closure. I will be going in on Tuesday to see where my levels are now.

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How this changes things...

Obviously, the unexpected news has given us pause. We have started to think about why this happened and what the purpose can be. Ryan and I both agree that we would like to take advantage of this time and try again to get pregnant.

The other thing to consider is the 3 kids. We care a lot about them, but we just aren't sure about the size of family that keeping them means. We don't feel certain about a decision at this point, and I am in no way in the right frame of mind to make a decision any time soon.

So that is where we are now, and the drama of our very emotional week.